We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.
Walt Disney
Well done, Disney!
Growing up, I was shy, timid, and highly introverted, yet thoroughly aware of what others wanted from me. For the most part, I would do as per the expectation. Forever pleasing others. Did I like to do this? No, not really.
I know – why do it right? I felt different like I did not belong anywhere, and I wanted to be accepted.
If you can visualize it,
Walt Disney
if you can dream it,
there’s some way to do it.
Every time my family visited – well any place – I would sneak off to draw and create! At home, I would escape into our oversized backyard or splash in the pool pretending to be a mermaid or other fantasy creature in a world where I was known, wanted, and ultimately accepted. Gazing at the clouds and the falling sun the first few stars wink at me. Here I felt special.
Inspired by Walt Disney’s compelling work of the Princesses, I wanted my own fairy tale. Well – provided I did not have to be some damsel in distress, that grinded my passions.
The more I strived toward this; the more I could feel the distressing difference of my desires to those around me. As I didn’t talk much, I found it hard to express myself. The more I pushed to do my things, the more I felt the judgment, ridicule, criticism, and heavier expectations.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a loving relationship with my family (now), but it has required much work!
Stop Moving
Over decades I found myself in a state of loss.
- Loss of friends
- Loss of marriage
- Loss of dreams
- Loss of memory (though this was an issue during the DV.)
- Loss of motivation
- Loss of creativity and skills.
I had moved into a state of misery. Things appeared dark, sullen, and gray. As though the sun had faded from my portion of the world leaving me. I didn’t know who I was.
Time To Rise
“When you’ve reached rock bottom, there’s only one way to go, and that’s up!”
Buster Moon, from the movie Sing
Feeling this way was not productive, and I needed to fight against myself to rise up and press on.
The first thing I did was pray. I needed God to lead me. Next, I needed to dig deep to think who am I really? Then I needed to know who was going to stand with me.
This was not an easy feat. It was during a time where the one person whom I should trust the most, I had zero trust toward. I couldn’t understand which day it was, I couldn’t step outside without informing the abuser where I was going, I felt as though there was nothing I was capable of doing. Yet, thankfully there were still a few peers who I could trust due to their loyalty and insights. The things they spoke of to see if the abuser operates in certain ways, became accurate. These friends became a voice of reason to me. They encouraged me to see a therapist and I did. I honestly thought I was mad or crazy!
I was able to find a place to live, and this provided a sanctuary of healing. Alongside the therapist and return to a local church group. I decided to get involved with the community around me, to branch out and network. During this time I faced going to the police. Here’s a kicker: the abuser made me believe the police were the “bad guys” despite studying criminal law years earlier.
These were not easy things. Each time I was breaking through my protective bubble and comfort zone and letting people in to see the real, vulnerable yet beautiful me. Most importantly, I found my voice and the courage to use it!
Think Traffic Lights: Red, Amber, GO
I speak to any person who thinks they may be involved in a DV/ DFV situation please go to the police and get help! Your safety (and your children’s) is paramount!
Think about your own situation. How would you describe the events going on in your own life?
Use the traffic signals to help:
Red: STOP – consider the overwhelm, the chaos, the busyness. What are you doing? What are you fighting towards? Are there people who can help? Are you safe?
Amber: SLOW DOWN (or in some cases speed up if it is unsafe to stop) Consider the events around you. Are others pushing their schedules on you? To have you run tasks for them because you are moving at a lesser speed than they are? Don’t get sucked into their comparisons and worlds, find what is true for you. Maybe do you need to slow down? Is something ahead causing distress, why?
Keep in mind slowing down and stopping can be good things if they are used to recalibrate your journey forwards in a better way.
Green: GO – Are you go, go, going every day with rhythm, drive, purpose? Are you going for you, or for others? Don’t be led by others’ expectations, be led by what you desire for your life.
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