- Do you ever get frustrated with other people?
- Do you ever feel like the friends you have is only because they need you for something?
- Do you ever feel jarred by a comment that should have been a compliment but instead they are strangely asking for something?
- I hear you! I’ve experienced the same. I believe trauma can set you back to experience more of this.
- This post will reveal the insights you need to move forwards!
Storytime: Drop the chain and let go
When getting ready for the day, I enjoy browsing through a collection of earrings and hair pins to match the outfit. On this day I opted for a gold bar with a short chain connecting to resin pink and orange drops. As I picked up the pair one earring was stuck. Putting one earring in place, the other became a project. Stuck by a twisted chain. The more I played with it to untwist it, the worse it got. Until it got so twisted and fell through my clumsy fingers.
When I found and picked it off the floor, it was completely normal. No twisted, knotted chain. Just ready to wear.
Have you felt so connected to something that the more involved you got, the messier and twisted it became?
If yes, read on psychology can help you understand why!
Life is like a knotted chain, but smooth when its expectations are released
Psychological research tells how getting stuck is an extremely personal and individual reaction to an event often caused by fear.
(Read more on that study here: Fear: Definition, Traits, Causes, Treatment (verywellmind.com)
That means, your lack of motivation or ability to cope with the thing going on for you now, is unique to your person. Your twisted chain situation and solution need a tailor-shaped solution for you.
This is why there is NO one fix for all issues.
What are common areas to get stuck?
- Psychological
- Communicative
- Physical
- Emotional
- Sexual
- Mental
- Personal challenges
- Social
In reading that list, did you notice a common theme?
These are some of the same categories of abuse.
If I’m stuck, am I more likely to be abused?
Yes, there is a likelihood.
Psychological research tells us how we need to be open-minded and positive in our experiences. Strong communication helps with boundary setting and standing up for yourself.
If an unpleasant reaction happened in your childhood, often you will not want to repeat the action. Think of accidentally touching a hot stove.
However, some matters are complicated, such as with feelings and emotions and other people.
A caregiver may sometimes have given a child attention, and other times not the same level of attention. This mix of results can deeply affect the child. When referring to Attachment Theory, this scenario would result in the child developing either an anxious or dismissive attachment type based on their caregiver.
Now, as a teenager or adult, the anxious or dismissive attachment style continues to affect interactions with others.
For example, people-pleasing is often attributed to the anxious type. I can agree that this research is accurate. For a while, I was so determined to have the approval and validation of others to ensure I could do a task.
Don’t worry, you won’t be stuck like this forever!
Awareness is an amazing tool. The more I researched and attended therapy sessions the more I gained and helped myself. The same can be true for you! Below are four methods to overcome the stuck in your life and move forwards.
1) Understand why you operate as you do
Get to the core of who you are. Do an attachment-style quiz.
Encourager: It is possible to work on yourself and become a secure attachment type! I went from anxious to secure just shy of two years, post leaving the abuse.
2) Awareness grants insight into learning another way to behave
It wasn’t great to read about the anxious attachment style. But I had to know fully about it to know how to stop feeding my brain roads (you know the neuron pathways that get stuck in the automatic systems we encourage) in this non-productive way.
Sometimes researching, reading, learning and discovery are unfavorable. But if you are not willing to do the new, you are saying that you prefer to be stuck. Is that what you really want?
3) Adjust how you see the world
Remember the chain? I saw it knotted and twisted. I took the chain upon myself, thinking I was fully responsible for this item, and I needed to untwist it. I need to restore it.
This is the same thinking I had during the abusive times, and early times when I left.
My psychologist said: “You are like a sponge who thinks it is their job to suck up everyone’s mess and take it onboard your shoulders. You will be crushed under the weight of all these people. Leave their problems on the table, and only take on board your things ready to fix and find alternatives.”
That was not nice to hear! I thought I was helping others by being there for them to get through their issues. All the while I was wasting my own time.
Trying to learn and move forwards yet still stuck, I became angry realizing how much time I had wasted giving my responsibility and attention to others. I wanted them to come to my aide, as I was there for theirs. In reality: I had the wrong expectations of other people all along.
The day I realized this; it was a transformative day indeed! In my excitement, I told my psychologist, and he was proud of my discovery, growth, and action. (Having the psychologist share in my learning, was far greater than the vibe of people-pleasing. This was shared self-awareness, growth, and authenticity.)
On that day I committed to not taking on other people’s responsibilities, I let my friends know things would change. And they certainly did. Easily half the friend group left. Why? Because they were happy to be irresponsible and rely on others.
Don’t be irresponsible of your time, efforts, skills, and abilities.
Take your life into your own hands, nurture and love it, and expand. People will gravitate toward you when they can see your life is in order, functioning and so vibrantly fruitful!
4) Love and care for yourself to stop the negative cycle
Stop repeating the cycle of needed validation from others. Be what you need from others. Speak kindly to yourself and say what you need to hear. If you want to be successful, back yourself up. Others can only give you a limited scope. Others may not believe in your desires, and they will knock you down. Don’t give others your power. It’s your power for a reason!
Get a piece of paper and write: This is power to hold and keep. No one else’s! (write your name in the blank. Remind yourself as often as you need.)
Drop the earring (the thing) and move forwards!
Just as the earring proved how I was unable to ‘bend it back’ it needed to do it on its own as it fell away from my grasp. So too use this encouragement in the areas of your life.
What is one thing that is not your responsibility and that you could give up today to begin redeeming yourself?
References and additional reading:
Mental Abuse: Signs, Effects, and Coping Strategies (verywellmind.com)
Emotionally Stuck at the Age of Trauma: Signs, Causes, and Healing (psychcentral.com)
When Trauma Gets Stuck in the Body | Psychology Today
Fear: Definition, Traits, Causes, Treatment (verywellmind.com)
The Psychology of Fear (simplypsychology.org)
Why You Stay Stuck and Unhappy | Psychology Today
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