Have you ever heard fearlings when people are talking? They might say “I have such strong fearlings about …” Truly they mean feelings. But when listening to the variation of beautiful accents and pronunciations at times the ee-l in feelings can sound slightly more like ea-r..
Today we are going to review how the two are similar, as a conclusion to our latest series on the topic of fear.
As the previous posts which you can read here, over here, and also here have alerted you to fear. I’m sure we know enough about what fear is, so let’s skip that and head into this feeling mess!
What are feelings?
In the past, I viewed my feelings much like this messy floor covered with loose yarn balls. No structure to the feeling just a mess.
The online dictionary tells us feelings are:
1) An emotional state or reaction.
2) An idea or belief, especially a vague or irrational one.
3) The capacity to experience the sense of touch.
Feelings are the way we react to what we experience emotionally.
For example, watching a comedian may have you in stitches. You are experiencing happiness and joy and you are expressing it through laughter.
A harder example: A loved one hits you on the cheekbone. They reassured you over years of dating and marriage they would never lay a hand on you and then this happens. Can you imagine the emotion you are experiencing?
It could be anything! From confused, to still wanting to love this person, to doubt, to misunderstanding.
Now please note: Anyone who has suffered a DV will immediately assume responsibility for this attack on their body. A common thought a victim will have is I must have done something wrong /or/ I deserved this because I’m not good enough to their standard.
Please do not judge a friend, family member, or other DV victim. There are years’ worth of emotional bonding and togetherness before an attack happens. Judgment is not support!
For anyone who is still or currently experiencing DV please seek immediate help!
Police, doctors, Lifeline helplines.
This latter example is where I coined the term “Fearlings”.
What is meant by fearlings?
The feeling of fear from feeling what just occurred. A non-sensical situation occurred which cannot be categorized simply.
Remember, you may express or feel like laughing when you are happy. Or you may smile more.
But when something occurs making you feel a variety of emotions. The feeling that shows the emotion may be stopped.
Think over to the flight and fight responses also added to these are friend, fawn, and freeze.
During the time I was in the abuse, the go-to response became freeze. Even to this day, I am affected by common triggers things that are everywhere and cannot be avoided. Certain places. Certain noises in traffic. Thank God I have never frozen up in traffic!
Recently there was a major trigger and fear of seeing the abuser and all I could do was stand there!
Can you imagine? The threat, the problem, and the entire problem yet all I could do was stand there frozen in fear. I could hear myself say snap out of it right now and move, you are ok, you can get security – you are almost there anyway. Although my mind said all this I could not move. The fear response is very strong.
Pause for you then move forwards
How do you move forwards from fearlings? At this point, I recommend having a moment to yourself. A moment to recharge. Journalling is a great tool and my go-to. In a year I still contact Lifeline or similar around 4 times. Basically once per season. I still see a therapist. I cannot stress enough the benefits of seeing a therapist. If you’re worried about what others will say because you are seeing a therapist – simply don’t tell them! What business is it of anyone else’s? I share seeing a therapist in hopes of encouraging others and to promote personal healing from abuse.
Show your feelings – for you
At the end of the day, you need to feel, you need to show how you feel and respond to your emotions.
Bottling feelings is not a method. Bottling feelings would be giving into fear of your feelings – think phobia level issue with your own feelings. Suppressing feelings will also cause the internal volcano to explode!
Generally, when feelings are blocked or suppressed is because a person may feel unsupported by the people they are with.
This is why I recommend journaling. Because you can spot the issue in that sentence above.
Feeling unsupported (unsafe to show feelings) around the people one is with.
If this is how you feel – you need better friends. People who can accept you for you is absolutely vital!
You can move forwards too
The first place to start: is showing your feelings.
Yes, there is the element of society’s favorite term: Emotional Intelligence. And yes, if you show your unhappy feelings at work, or at your boss, yes you may end up fired. Please do not read this post and think you can show your feelings while behaving irresponsibly.
Showing your feelings is:
Trusting yourself
Backing yourself
Loving yourself
Remaining authentic.
Be yourself! Because there is no one else like you in the world!
Show your feelings – because you matter and there are no hard feelings!
Learn more about feelings (though warning: it can become a heavy psychology learning session!)
- What Are Feelings? | Psychology Today
- What Are Emotions? Types of Emotions in Psychology (verywellmind.com)
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