Soft and Hard Boundaries

In the previous post, we found how the white traffic line is reflective of personal boundaries.

Continuing with boundaries we will review the importance of yellow lines.

The yellow line has different rules for different countries so for this post, we are only reviewing the Australian and USA rules.

What is a soft line boundary?

In most things from video games to life itself, there are soft rules and hard rules.

A soft rule is not a legally binding nature. Consider like this picture, the fence befor the house. Everybody is permitted access to knock on a front door. But that is as far as they can go.

A soft boundary is how close you will allow another person to experience your vulnerabilities without crossing the line.

For example, treating others with respect. This is a common rule all humans know to do.

While treating others with respect, you may have different humor styles. Let’s take sarcasm as an example. In a day-to-day situation with friends, a sarcastic comment will most likely be funny, comical, or humorous.

This is much like on the road, the white lines are often the soft lines. The white dotted or white broken lines are there to help drivers know when it is safe to cross or change lanes. The white solid lane is to help drivers stay in their lane and not cross. However, in the case of an emergency, you will need to cross that white line!

What is a hard line boundary?

Take the example of humor above, especially sarcastic humor. While this type of behavior will fly with like-minded friends. It often is unsafe to use in workplace settings. Why? Because it poses a risk of insult, rudeness, disrespect, racism, or even harassment. Workplaces are upheld to a legally enforceable standard.

The core difference between a hard rule (or hard law) and a soft rule (soft law) is the level of legally binding force.
Read more about soft and hard laws here.

This is like the yellow lines on the road (more so in Australia).

Yellow road markings in Australia

The yellow road line in Australia means to not cross over it. Not even to park on it or over it. Consider it the end or edge of the road. There is no room to park the car and simply it cannot be crossed. This is the same as the hard law explained above.

In the case of an emergency, the yellow line however can be crossed.

For more information on driving safely in Australia read here.

Yellow road markings in the USA

The yellow line marking in the USA should always be on the left of the driver. This is because the line means traffic is flowing in opposite directions and the line cannot be crossed.

If, however, the yellow line was dotted, then you can cross into the other lane.

For more information on driving safely in the USA watch this quick video!

Use lane markings as guidance for personal safe zones

Now having covered the above, these rules are suitable for traffic conditions, but how is that relevant to self?

When it comes to personal boundaries, let’s consider the white line a soft boundary and the yellow line a hard boundary.

How does it work in practice?

Perhaps you feel some people do not support you well around your topic of abuse/trauma. So, you decide to only dump these matters on your GP and therapist. You also need to warn friends and family how the topic of your abuse or trauma is off-limits.

Now, in some cases, friends and family may check-in. This is where your boundaries come into play.

You need to decide can anything be asked? Is the rule a soft rule or a hard rule? To help you decide consider the two boundary lines. If the soft rule is broken how will that make you feel? What if the hard rule is broken, how will you feel?

Family and friends may check-in because they care for you and want to support you. But not all people can support you to the degree you most need.

If you feel friends or family are poking into your off-limits topic and it makes you feel on edge, stressed, anxious or otherwise uneasy – these feelings are telling you to not engage!

To defend yourself and stop the poking it is safe to say an assertive statement such as:
I have stated this topic is off-limits. If you continue to poke, I will leave the party.

Now, some people have asked previously if this is a threat. Let me assure you, it is not a threat. It is a very clear warning that most adults understand.

Move forward in the marked zone

To recap we have covered how white and yellow road markings relate to soft and hard rules. We use this example to create soft and hard-level boundaries.

In this next week think about your boundaries and see if you can make soft and hard level boundary lines. Then share the new boundary lines with your closest people or tribe so they can support you even better!